Laman fabricates his tin plates—He tells of his good life in Jerusalem and his prospects for a dandy inheritance—His father, Lehi, ruins everything by having bad dreams and then telling everybody about them.
I, LAMAN, having been born of restless parents whose motto was: a rolling stone gathers no moss; wherefore, they never really understood me, for I suffered from motion sickness as a child; therefore, they favored my younger and more righteous brother, Nephi, who liked to travel and whose account of our days he has taken upon himself to write, probably to annoy me because I was the eldest son, and partly because he knows how easily I gag at history and genealogy.
2 Now, behold, I was taught somewhat in the learning of our father, tho I never cared beans for geography and really hated inscribing; nevertheless, knowing that my younger brother was secretly scribbling away on his one-sided version of our nomadic life, therefore, I make mine own account to more or less set the record straight.
3 Yea, I write my account in ordinary language, not in the rickety and hard-to-leam language of those weird Egyptians, for I never liked the Egyptians much, and I like reformed Egyptians even less; yea, I hope to high heaven that their lingo will never become the official language.
4 And now, concerning these plates upon which my account is engraved, behold, they are made of tin, for with mine own hands did I make them, with some help from my brother Lemuel; wherefore, they are your down-to-earth practical blue[2]-collar plates and none of those highfalutin gold plates; yea, why waste gold as writing paper when your regular tin works fine, and then put your gold into something useful like coins or jewelry.
5 Now it came to pass that our family dwelt at Jerusalem, living in the lap of luxury, so to speak, for my father, Lehi, was a well-healed merchant and trader; wherefore, he did sock away considerable gold and silver and property; yea, but not too much, as my brother Lemuel was fond of saying, for we did enjoy living high on the hog.
6 Now as I understood it, according to our custom, a father's wealth passes to his sons after this manner: two-thirds to the eldest son, one-third to the second son, and the rest equally divided among the remaining sons. Now I, Laman, was the eldest son and lucky heir to the bulk of my father's wad, which put me on the sunny side of the tent, and I did look forward to squandering a bit of my inheritance the old fashioned way; yea, I did plan to eat, drink, and be exceedingly merry.
7 But behold, in the first year of the raina of Zedekiah, king of Judah, or maybe it was in the second year, anyway a whole slew of prophets came forth prophesying; yea, Jerusalem was just oozing prophets saying unto the good people of our city that they must repent and turn from their wicked ways or their great city would be destroyed; wherefore, my brother Lemuel and I did throw rocks at the prophets, for we did not like our friends to be spoken ill of by these itinerant grouchy old men.
8 And it came to pass that my father, Lehi, did get caught up in the excitement, but instead of launching a few boulders himself and enjoying the persecution, he did take sides with the grumps; yea, he did also believe that the local wogs were wicked and that our great city was going to be wiped out; wherefore, he did tell everybody he bumped into, even our next-door neighbors and close friends, that it was time to slip on the good old sackcloth and ashes, which was not exactly in style.
9 Now when the Jews heard these things, they became angry with my father; and behold I, Laman, was a little miffed too, and my brother Lemuel also, for nobody likes a grouch, and people just naturally hate to be told that they are wicked and about to be destroyed; wherefore, we did plead with our father that he should stay at home or spend more time at the office and not annoy people by trotting out their abominations.
10 And it came to pass that I could not reason with our father, for he was as stubborn as an ox, being of the tribe of Joseph; yea, he did say unto me that he had prayed concerning these things and that a pillar of fire appeared unto him on a rock; and he did tell of many other dreams and visions.
11 And behold, Lemuel and I [3] did begin to worry about our father; yea, Lemuel did wonder if he might have a glandular disorder; wherefore, I did speak unto my mother, Sariah, and inquire when Lehi had his last physical; but behold, she did believe the ravings of my father, and my younger brothers and sisters also; yea, and I did begin to think that the whole family was daft; and behold, they did rebuke me, reminding me that God did appear regularly unto Moses and other prophets; wherefore, I did remind them that we were not talking about Moses but about our own flesh and blood father, Lehi, and that we were living in the rain of Zedekiah, for Pete's sake, and not way back in the dark ages, wandering in the wilderness with the thirteen tribes!
12 Now, I, Laman, do not give you the whole ball of wax, for my father said much (too much, according to my brother Lemuel); wherefore, I make a record of mine own words, plus a few clever things I wish I had thought of at the time; and behold, I give an account of how fate dealt me a flimsy hand; yea, these tin plates show that life is unfair and nasty, brutish, and short, and that man must depend upon the arm of flesh.
13 But, behold, I digress.
14 Anyway, my father, Lehi, did grow exceedingly bold and did claim to have peeked into the future; behold, he did see that Jerusalem should be destroyed and that many of its inhabitants should be carried away captive into Babylon.
15 Now behold, Lemuel and I were more than a little surprised by this prediction, for we did have a warm place in our hearts for Babylon, having been there on many shopping sprees; wherefore, we did not think twice about being carted off to Babylon.
16 And it came to pass that our father, Lehi, did become so obnoxious that people began to laugh and chuck stones at him, and I just knew that our family business would go down the toilet and that we would become despised and unpopular and never get invited to parties.
17 Wherefore, Lemuel and I did go together and purchase a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People; and behold, we did present it unto our father, hoping he would stop prophesying long enough to read it.
