Laman and Lemuel worry about their father's discourse on horticulture—Laman ponders the meaning of time.
AND it came to pass that after my father had wrapped up his stream-of- consciousness dream-scape, behold, he did launch forth again concerning the naughty Jews and poor old Jerusalem and the bloodthirsty Babylonians, et cetera, which was getting to be old hat.
2 But behold, my father did now add a new twist to the story; yea, he did explain that sometime after the great destruction of Jerusalem, behold, the inhabitants should be brought back out of captivity; wherefore, I did see that we were not the only ones whose crummy luck it was to keep on shuffling back and forth unto Jerusalem; yea, Lemuel did think the chosen people were a lot like poor old Sisyphus, whoever he was.
3 And I, Laman, did gripe about this, saying that the Lord should make up his mind; yea, it were better not to be a chosen people if the Lord keeps sending you packing all over the planet, and never first-class.
4 And it came to pass that my father did scrape together a few more prophecies; yea, he did compare the House of Israel unto an olive tree, whose branches should be broken off and scattered upon all the face of the earth; and behold, after all of this scattering, there should be a whole bunch of gathering.
5 Now I, Laman, did worry that my father had been too long inside his tent; yea, what did he, a businessman, know about farming and olive trees? And behold, if anyone was broken off and scattered abroad, it was my father and his family; yea, we had been peeled away from Jerusalem, pruned of our gold and silver and precious stuff by that sharecropper Laban, cut off from our home, with our inheritance nipped in the bud; wherefore, we had ended up being transplanted into a wilderness of sand that won't grow squat!
6 But behold, I hyperventilate.
7 And it came to pass that my father did continue to speak and to prophesy of what would come to pass; yea, he did love to rattle on about the future and the mysteries of God; but behold, nobody can understand the mysteries of God, for what's the good of having a mystery if somebody figures it out? Yea, I, Laman, do not believe we can know the future; but behold, I do wish we could, for it would be a big help unto me in my wagers with Lemuel, for either he cheats or is uncommonly lucky.
8 Now behold, I write somewhat concerning the past and the present and the future; yea, I share my wisdom with all [27] those who have the misfortune to read my account preserved upon these plates of tin, made by my own hands, with the help of you know who. Now I, Laman, do declare that the past is past and the future never comes; wherefore, live in the present; yea, look upon each new day as the last day of the rest of your life; for behold, if the Lord sends you wandering off into the wilderness, there is a good chance that it will be.
9 And it came to pass that my father did speak many more things that were hard to understand, especially since we dwelt in the valley of Lemuel, far from any library; wherefore, I, Laman, did not think they should be added unto these plates of tin to cause frustration and irritation unto our seed.
10 Now behold, the words of my father did push Lemuel to his wit's end, which wasn't very far; yea, he did come unto me for comfort, saying: What does our father mean? for first he spake unto us of fruit trees that we could not classify and rivers of polluted water, and now he speaks of olive trees and branches and grafting; yea, he did use many images from horticulture, which thing is a mystery unto me; and he did also refer again and again unto the gentiles; and behold, he knoweth that we have not learned anatomy.
11 But behold, I did console Lemuel, saying that I was also in the dark, for most of what our father said was Greek to me; wherefore, we did dispute one with another about the hard words of our father; yea, and I did explain my Freudian interpretation of the white-fruit dream unto Lemuel, but he could hardly keep from laughing, tho he could not come up with anything better.
12 And it came to pass that Nephi did come unto us with his standard look of grief upon his countenance, and he did inquire concerning the cause of our wrangling.
13 Wherefore Lemuel did speak unto him saying: We do not understand the words of our father, neither do we think his dreams of fruit and olive trees and scattered gentiles have anything to do with the price of wheat in China.
14 And behold, without asking my permission, Lemuel did tell Nephi of my nifty interpretation of the fruit dream; and behold, the look of grief upon Nephi's face did turn to pain, and he spake unto us, saying: Have ye inquired of the Lord?
15 And I, Laman, answered saying: No, we have not, for the Lord makes no such thing known unto us, neither does he make such things known unto any man, nor woman either; yea, why would the Lord bother to make rhyme or reason out of dreams which but reflect the daily events of life assembled at random in our minds during sleep?
16 And it came to pass that Nephi did chide us for our unbelief; yea, and he did preach unto us, much like our father, and he did tell us his version of the olive trees and grafting and the remnant of our seed; but behold, he did not know that we had left a remnant of our seeds [28] in Jerusalem to make room for the precious things we had smuggled into our packs, all of which was finally lost to that bounder Laban.
17 And behold, Nephi did explain the dreams of our father, and he did use terms like wickedness and filthiness a lot.
18 Now I, Laman, do not write all of the words of my brother, for most of them went in one ear and out the other; but behold, I did like my interpretation better, for it was not complicated and was less religious and much shorter.
19 Yea, the words of Nephi were hard, for we had been limping along in the wilderness and were tired and short tempered and could not bear to sit still for such a long-winded interpretation; yea, and we did not like to be reminded of our filthiness all the time, for we had done our best to keep clean in the river Laman, and this was just a camping trip anyway; wherefore, we could tidy up when we got home to Jerusalem again in about forty years.
20 Now behold, Nephi did admit that his words were hard, and he said that the truth was always hard unto the wicked, for it cutteth them to the very center.
21 And I, Laman, and also my brother Lemuel, did suspect that Nephi was speaking about us; but behold, I had never thought of myself as wicked, nor my brother Lemuel either—perverse, maybe, but not Wicked.
22 Wherefore, we did feel hurt at the words of Nephi, and we did wish that he would be more like unto Sam, who said little; yea, Sam did not bellyache when we tied him up, nor complain when our father did not name anything after him, neither did he seem to have very many dreams.
