Ishmael dies suddenly, which is [34] a lousy way to get out of wandering in the wilderness—His family begins to murmur in earnest, and Laman eggs them on, thinking it's time to take sides: patriside and fratriside—A voice tells Laman to watch his step, and it doesn't mean in the pasture.
AND it came to pass that we did again take our journey into the wilderness, traveling ever farther from our home, stopping from time to time to rest, then slugging along some more. And after the space of many days we did pitch our tents in a pathetic place which was called Nahom, and when I looked at it, I asked myself why anyone would want to live here, and wondered how they could make a living.
2 Now it came to pass that while we were camped at Nahom, Ishmael did complain of fatigue and light-headedness and other aches and pains, but then, hey, who didn't; yea, I wasn't exactly feeling chipper myself. But lo and behold, to our surprise, Ishmael dropped dead; wherefore, we were filled with sorrow, and I did inquire of Lemuel what in the dickens he died of, and Lemuel said he was just a hypochondriac; wherefore, he didn't die of anything.
3 Now the daughters of Ishmael did mourn exceedingly, and especially Morona, for she could no longer threaten to return unto the tent of her father when she was vexed with me; and behold, the family of Ishmael did murmur against my father who had brought them on this boring holiday, with stopovers in run-down, flea-bitten holes like Nahom, and here they would have to bury their father, neither could they travel all the way back to Nahom to put flowers on his grave on Memorial Day.
4 Now behold, I, Laman, was proud of the family of Ishmael, for I had taught them all they knew about murmuring, and I did remind them that Nephi was in cahoots with my father and that they should throw in a few murmurs about him; but behold, I did warn them that they should let me make sure the camels and horses were securely tied before the murmuring got too intense and we ended up with another stampede.
5 And I did speak secretly unto my brother Lemuel, and also unto the sons of Ishmael, saying: Behold, have we not wandered in the wilderness for so long that I have lost track of time, for my day planner was left back in Jerusalem with the other precious things; yea, and have we not followed the commands of Lehi, only to suffer much affliction and fatigue and sore feet and stiff joints and hemorrhoids from riding those miserable camels; and behold, are we not likely to end up horizontallike poor Ishmael; wherefore, were it not better to put the kibosh on Lehi, my father, yea, and on my brother Nephi, too, before they starved us to death or killed us with this vacation from hell?
6 Now behold, they did receive my speech with much approval, except that Lemuel did point out my mixed metaphor, saying that one cannot end up horizontal; yea, and he did also remind me that there was the awkward problem of the Lord, who had spoken unto Lehi and also unto Nephi, and what about the alleged angels who had shown up from time to time.
7 But behold, I, Laman, did never let reality get in my way; wherefore, I did remind my brother that the Lord had spoken unto our father, Lehi, only in dreams, and that we were not present when angels ministered unto Nephi or our father, therefore, it should not count; yea, and Nephi was like unto Joseph of old, wanting to be a ruler and a teacher over his elder brethren, and maybe even hoping that there would be a musical written about him some day.
8 Now behold, one of the sons of Ishmael did bring up the business of the Liahona, for on it were written the words of the Lord for all to see, and it did direct us whither to go into the wilderness and it did help Nephi find good hunting in an area that wasn't even posted.
9 Now the Liahona did have me buffaloed, but then I was not brought up with computers; yea, I did suggest that Nephi did work many things by his cunning arts, for the hand is quicker than the eye; and behold, why would this voodoo ball point the way deeper into the wilderness where there is nothing but an occasional wide spot in the road like that rat trap Nahom?
10 And thus did I stir up the hearts of my brethren in anger against Nephi, and also against my father, Lehi; yea, now I did not wish only to turn tail and run back to Jerusalem, for it was not enuf for me to succeed; but behold, Nephi and my father had to fail; wherefore, I did plot to rub them out, for surely that would be their ultimate failure.
11 And it came to pass that as I patted myself upon the back for this diabolical plot, behold, a strange thing did happen, for we did all hear a voice, but we saw no man; yea, and the voice was like unto thunder, in that it did get our attention and did raise the hair on the back of my neck, yet it was not loud, but clear and certain, so that it did go right to the bone.
12 And behold, the voice did not sound very pleased with us, for it did chasten us for our iniquity, and it did reprove us for transgressing at least two of the ancient commandments given unto Moses, numbers five and six, I believe, and I did make a special note to look them up in the brass plates that my father kept in his tent, for I could never remember them in order, and some of them I had forgotten altogether.
13 And many other things did the voice speak unto us, which are too numerous to inscribe without getting writer's cramp, but I do remember that I was no more angry with my father or with my brother, Nephi, neither did I desire to bump them off; and behold, I was sorry that I had been so rotten on our trip; yea, it did seem that the hunger and thirst and afflictions, plus the daily threat of perishing in the wilderness—all added to the bad example of Lemuel—did bring out the worst in me; [36] wherefore, I did want to kick myself for being so despicable.
14 Now behold, Nephi did explain that the sound we had heard was the voice of the Lord, and I did almost believe him, for it did speak with great authority and we did know that it meant business.
15 And it came to pass that Nephi was pleased that we did not tie him up again or rub him out; wherefore, he did go off into the mountains and did slay more food for us, and we did not perish—yet.
