The Lost Plates of Laman
An Account Written by the Hand of Laman
upon Plates of Tin Made by His Own Self—with a Little
Help from his Brother Lemuel

by
Bob Lewis

Signature Books; Salt Lake City, Utah
© 1997 by Signatue Books.

Contents

CHAPTER 15

A ship of curious workmanship is built, but will it float?—Sailing beats wandering in the desert—Laman directs the on-board entertainment—Nephi tries to put the kibosh on the party, so they tie him up again—Laman becomes captain, but Lemuel doesn't know diddly about reading a compass.

AND it came to pass that Nephi did work the timbers with the tools he did fashion, neither would he allow us to do anything but grunt work; yea, he did go up into the mount oft to pray unto the Lord, and did return with new and weird ideas of what a ship should be; wherefore, we did labor long upon the ship, and behold, Lemuel did put a note in the suggestion box, requesting overtime pay for the flunkies.

2 Now behold, the ship did slowly take shape, and it was truly of curious workmanship, neither had we seen anything like unto it before, but then we did not see many ships in Jerusalem; and behold, Lemuel and I did carve out "Kilroy Was Here" on the side of the boat, just for fun.

3 And it came to pass that we did all agree that the craftsmanship was exceedingly fine; wherefore we did believe that the Lord must have been with Nephi, for when it came to construction, he was just as klutzy as the rest of us, yea, until now he couldn't tell a router from a crescent wrench.

4 And after the space of many days (too many, according to my brother Lemuel) the ship was complete, and my father spake unto us, saying that we should arise and go down into the ship, for he was as curious as we were to see if the thing would float.

5 Now behold, I, Laman, could kick myself, for I had watched Nephi build his curious boat and had even handed him the tools, but I did not believe that we would actually leave the land of Bountiful and cross the waters of Irrigation to go to who knows where; yea, it was always my hope that we would use the Arc for pleasure and maybe do some deep-sea fishing.

6 And it came to pass that sure enuf, Lehi spake unto us, saying that the voice of the Lord had spoken unto him, and that we should pile up the Arc with much fruit and meat and honey and seeds; yea, with all of the provisions that we had been [42] lugging around in no man's land for the last decade or two, and that on the morrow we should set forth to find the promised land.

7 Wherefore, I did remind my father that we had not yet made a test run, and that a vessel of curious workmanship may be all right to look at, for everyone did ooh and aah, but maybe we had better see if it kept out water!

8 But behold, my voice was not heard above the noise and excitement and chaos of our packing, for everyone was anxious to set sail, neither could I blame them, for the children had spent their entire lives mucking about in sand, and the rest were sick and tired of their wretched life on shore; wherefore, everyone was thrilled for a chance to go on a cruise.

9 And it came to pass that we did enter into the boat, everyone according to his age, with our wives and our children, for my father was always a stickler for order; but behold, I did think it would be prudent for me to board last, to make certain that we had not left anything important behind and to make sure that the fires at the bellows of Nephi were completely out.

10 But behold, to my surprise, the boat did not sink as I had feared, so I did hop aboard and did pull up the gangplank; yea, and we did sail away with shouting and much laughter, and I did lead the group in an old sea shanty I had picked up years ago in Joppa.

11 And lo, we did all like sailing, for the sea was calm and the ride was smooth, and it did beat the daylights out of bumping along on a smelly camel.

12 But on the third day the sea was no more calm, but began to heave and sway and cavort; wherefore, the children did think it was fun, and they did play in the spray of water and laugh at the wild rocking under our feet; but behold, I did grow exceedingly sick, so that I became well acquainted with the outermost rail of the boat, insomuch that I did wish I was back trudging thru the sand, for in the wilderness you could always climb off of the camel, but I could see no escape from this bouncing boat; yea, I did grow so wretched that I did even envy poor old Ishmael.

13 And it came to pass that after many days I did gain my sea legs and my stomach did right itself; wherefore, I did again feel like living and could visit the buffet once more; yea, I did grow right festive and did again become the life of the party; and behold, I did beg Lemuel that he should play upon his Jew's harp; wherefore, we did dance and sing and make ourselves exceedingly merry.

14 And I, Laman, did break out the wine that I had smuggled aboard, which I had won in a dice game with a drunken Bedouin, and before long we were feeling no pain; wherefore, I did sing a few bawdy songs that did bring down the house, and I did tell some very funny stories about the Phoenician's daughter.

15 And it came to pass that Nephi did not seem to enjoy our merriment, neither did he laugh at my jokes, for he could never [44] accept alternative lifestyles; wherefore, I did suggest that he go to bed early, as did our father, Lehi, and not be a party pooper; yea, we did wish to kick up our heels, and behold, the ship was in good hands, for we could read the compass and steer the old bark perfectly well without him.

16 Now behold, I never did know anybody who worried so much about the Lord as Nephi; yea, he did think about the Lord continually and did wonder about what mood the Lord was in and how everything would appear unto the Lord and if he was getting enuf rest; but behold, I, Laman, did not lose any sleep worrying about the Lord, for I was always too busy with myself; wherefore, I did concentrate upon my own pleasure, for that did seem to me the whole purpose of life; yea, and cannot the Lord take care of himself?

17 But behold, when Nephi got hold of an idea, he did not let go of it; wherefore, he was like a dog on an old bone, neither

would he be content to let us enjoy ourselves without bawling us out; yea, he did fear that the Lord would be angry with us for our rudeness, but I did remind him that it was he who was being rude by lousing up our fun; wherefore, I did suggest that he take Sam and go along to the game room for a little ping pong.

18 And it came to pass that the sons of Ishmael, who, I must say, could never hold their liquor, did grow rowdy and suggest that we should help Nephi to cool off; wherefore, we did pounce upon him and bind him, and we were about to hang him out over the back of the boat, but behold, Nephi did chastise us and tell us that we should use the word, astern, when referring to the rear of the boat, and that technically we were about to hang him aft.

19 Now our younger brother did always correct us; wherefore, we were chapped that he did try to rule over us with his superior knowledge, neither did we give two hoots about fore and aft or jibs and mizzen masts or anything else on a boat; and it came to pass, as we were about to dangle him in the waves as food for the fishes, behold, the ship did suddenly begin to thrash about in the water.

20 Yea, and I did give Lemuel a swift kick in the rear for not keeping the boat on course; but behold, he did not know what the course was, neither could he figure out the ball or compass; wherefore, I did have a look myself; and behold, there were but four words that did appear upon the Liahona: You Are Now Captain!

21 And I, Laman, was rather pleased; wherefore, I did fashion a new hat to wear, and I did make a large sign that said: The Captain's Word Is Law; and behold, I did give orders to everyone, and did learn some new words, like belay and avast and yo-heave-ho; yea, and I did point the boat in the direction of the promised land, or where I thought the promised land should be.

22 Now behold, a great storm arose, and we did almost tip over; wherefore, I did command my crew to show a leg and hop [45] to and do something, but they were a bunch of incompetents and were good for nothing but shuffleboard; and behold, the waves began to crash in upon our boat and we were soaked to the skin, and the boat rolled from one side to the other like a log; wherefore, my father, Lehi, said that we should unbind the cords that held Nephi, but I did remind him that I was the captain and that Nephi was not even an officer and could just stay down in steerage.

23 Then I, Laman, did go secretly unto Nephi and did inquire of him what I, the captain, should do; and behold, he did advise me to pray.

24 Now behold, that was not the answer I wanted, for the waves began to look like unto mountains and the winds whipped the sails so that we were driven upon the waters for the space of three days, or maybe it was four, and we began to fear exceedingly that we should all be drowned in the sea; yea, I began to be sorry that I was the captain, for I did not wish to go down with the ship.

25 Wherefore, I did change my mind and did think that perhaps Nephi should receive a field commission; yea, I did loose the bands that held him and did turn over to him my captain's hat and baton while I did go to look for a life preserver.

26 Now behold, Nephi did have the luck of the Irish, for as soon as I did unbind him and did give him my special hat, behold, the storm did cease and the compass did begin to work again; wherefore, it was easy as pie to get back on course.

27 Now behold, I could not believe his streak of good luck; yea, if Nephi fell into the sea he would climb out with his pockets full of fish. Now I, Laman, was certain that I was jinxed, and I knew that if I ever found a promised land, behold, it would be promised to somebody else.