Lehi blesses his children, but Laman gets a left-handed blessing—Laman expounds upon the teachings of his father—Lehi dies; wherefore, the moratorium on tying up Nephi comes to an end.
AND it came to pass that when I returned from the forest, behold, I did promise myself that I would turn over a new leaf; wherefore, I would pay attention when my father spake unto us about his many dreams; yea, and I would start each day by reading from the brass plates of Laban, except from Isaiah, and I would save every Monday night for family home evening and not go shopping on the sabbath, and give up fishing on Sunday, at least during the winter.
2 Now behold, my father, Lehi, did call all of his sons together again, but this time he did wish to give unto them a blessing; and behold, he did give exceedingly long blessings unto Nephi and unto Jacob and Joseph, his two sons born to him as surprises during our sand period, as we called it; but unto me and unto my children he did give a very short blessing; yea, it was a sort of left-handed blessing, for he did bless my children that any cursing that may come upon them would be answered upon the heads of their parents, and I did not like the sound of that, for it did seem a little negative; wherefore, I did wonder if my children might not take advantage of it, knowing that any curses upon them would not count, and they would get off scot-free; yea, I had always tried to teach my children to take individual responsibility for their curses.
3 And my father did call Lemuel and his family together, saying: Behold, I leave unto you the same blessing which I left unto Laman and his family; wherefore, Lemuel did mark Lehi down with a ten for brevity, but only one for originality.
4 And Lehi did call all the sons of Ishmael and their families together and did give unto them a blessing, which I do not write down because they should keep their own records and make their own plates and not have me or Aunt Hazel or anybody else doing their genealogy for them; and Lehi did also call Zoram and his family for a blessing, and he did call the exchange student and my sisters [56] and cousins and their families together and did give them a blessing; yea, and Lehi was all blessinged out and was ready to return unto his tent, when behold, a little child did stand up and shout, saying: What about Sam?
5 Wherefore, my father did remember Sam and did call him and his family together, and he did give unto him a very brief blessing, more or less lumping his seed with the seed of Nephi, which seemed fine with Sam, who was always easy-going and good-natured and quiet.
6 Now I, Laman, write somewhat concerning the teachings of my father, Lehi, for he did instruct us much about our first parents and the fall of Adam and the forbidden fruit, and he did prime us about foreordination and free agency and oppositions and prepositions and the direct objects of life; wherefore, I do set down these lessons as part of my homework; yea, I will inscribe what I still remember, for I have already forgotten most of the things my father said, since he did quote a lot of scriptures and did put us thru the mill, and if I leave anything out, you might check out the brass plates, or you could look it up in the big or little gold plates of my younger brother.
7 And it came to pass that our first parents were called Adam and Eve, and they were made by the Lord from the sand of the earth, which made perfect sense since the Lord seemed to hang out around the Holy Land a lot where there was no shortage of raw materials.
8 Now behold, I did ask my father if this were merely figurative, for I did think it were more likely that our first parents did evolve from lower life forms stretching clear back to the primordial slime, while Lemuel did discount my theory and did conjecture that the first man and woman were brought here from some other galaxy and transplanted, for on more than one occasion during our migration Lemuel did see things in the sky that could not be explained, which did give credence to the whole idea of UFOs.
9 But my father, Lehi, did not want to delve into these mysteries, saying only that God created them and placed them to live in the Garden of Eden, where they did enjoy a life of comfort and ease; wherefore, I knew right away that Adam and Eve were in trouble, for the Lord does not let anyone get too comfortable when they might just as well be off somewhere wandering or sacrificing a burnt offering.
10 But at first the Lord did pretty much leave Adam and Eve alone, saying that they had the run of the place, with no rent, if they would only keep the garden spruced up and preserve the peace and make sure the lion did lie down with the lamb and not start licking his chops.
11 Now behold, there was one other kicker, for there was a tree in the Garden of Eden that bore a forbidden fruit, and Adam and Eve could not partake of the fruit of that tree because it would kill them; wherefore, I did suspect that it was a kumquat, [57] for I did once eat some green kumquats and did become exceedingly sick and did almost die myself.
12 And it came to pass that life in the Garden of Eden was soft, but it was not all clover, for there were snakes; yea, and one of the most devious and wretched varieties was called Loosifer. Now behold—and I did not quite understand this part—it seems that this was some sort of talking snake; wherefore, he was even worse than a regular snake; but behold, Lemuel did insist that it was a metaphorical snake; yea, I figure that he was a sort of slimy person like unto that snake-in-the-grass Laban.
13 Now behold, this Loosifer did snooker Adam and Eve into eating one of the kumquats, for he did lie thru his teeth, telling them that it was delicious to the taste and that they would not surely die, which was half true; yea, he did say that the fruit would actually make them wise, knowing good from evil, which was true; wherefore, they did eat.
14 And behold, they did become wise in a hurry, and I did know exactly how they did feel, for if they did not die at once, they did feel like they had one foot in the door; yea it does show the wisdom of the Lord, for a green kumquat is the fastest way I know of to distinguish good from evil.
15 Now behold, the Lord did not think that Adam and Eve had suffered enough by partaking of this wretched fruit; wherefore, he did cancel their lease on the garden and sent them off to till the earth and to become farmers; and behold, here we do see the mercy of the Lord, for he could just as well have made them set up a dairy.
16 Now my father, Lehi, did say that this was what people called the fall of man, but he did teach us that it was more of a stumble than a fall, for if Adam and Eve had remained in the Garden of Eden and kept their hands off the kumquats, behold, they would have had no children; wherefore, they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery.
17 And I, Laman, having had many children, do understand exactly what my father did mean, for there is nothing like children to take away your innocence; yea, when the twins were born, Dan and Beersheba, we did have our innocence totally shattered, and when our oldest son, Moron, became a teenager, I did come face to face with the fall of man.
18 Now my father, Lehi, did teach us many other things, some of which I have inscribed in my private diary, for he did pepper his prophecies and sermons with graphic allusions, for he did speak of the seed of his loins and the fruit of our loins and the gentiles, and many other such things; wherefore, I did not think they should be recorded on these plates where the children might read about them.
19 And it came to pass that my father, Lehi, did finish his blessings and his teachings and his prophesying and did lay down the brass plates for the [58] last time.
20 And it did come to pass that Lehi died and was buried in his promised land, and we did mourn for him, for he was a good and righteous man; and behold, I was sorry that I had waited so long to become a righteous son, and I did hope that my seven days of holy mindedness before he died were a comfort unto him; yea, for a whole week I did not murmur or tie up Nephi.
21 And not many days after the death of Lehi, behold, Nephi was again constrained to speak unto us and to give us some admonitions of the Lord; yea, I have never seen a person constrained as often as Nephi, for at the drop of a hat he could get almost blue in the face with constraining.
22 Now, upon the death of Lehi, behold, I, Laman, was the eldest, not counting Zoram and his wife Ishmaela; wherefore, I did believe that it was only right that I should become the big kahoona, neither did I think that Nephi should get top billing just because he happened to be more righteous or because he could work the Liahona.
23 And behold, I did persuade my brother Lemuel, and also the sons of Ishmael, that we should tie up Nephi again; yea, Lemuel did agree that it was about time to take Nephi for a ride; wherefore, I did run straight out and try to catch the horses, but Lemuel did call me back, telling me not to take everything so literally.
