Laman tries to persuade his father to stop annoying the neighbors and take a vacation—Lehi decides to pack everybody off on a camping trip into the wilderness—Laman and Lemuel rescue some of the gold and silver and precious stuff.
AND it came to pass that my father, Lehi, did not hearken unto my words or unto the words of my brother Lemuel, neither to the good advice in our self-improvement book; wherefore, he did continue both day and night to preach unto the people of our city; yea, our neighbors began to avoid us and to complain about the late hours.
2 And behold, when the threatening letters began to arrive nearly every day, I did [4] plead with my father to cease speaking ill of everybody, or to at least find a better word than abominations; yea, I did remind him that most people do not like to hear that they are about to perish by the sword or to be carried away captive, even to a fun place like Babylon.
3 And it came to pass that I did pull out all the stops; yea, I did insist that he take a break from his strenuous prophesyings and enjoy himself a little and travel, even visit the Red Sea maybe.
4 Now behold, I did speedily repent of my suggestion, for it came to pass that my father did call his family together and did declare unto us that the Lord had commanded him, even in a dream, that he should pack up the whole fam and zip off into the wilderness; yea, even to the borders of the Red Sea; wherefore, Lemuel did tell me to keep my big mouth shut in the future!
5 For crying out loud, I, Laman, and also my brother Lemuel, did not wish to go hiking off into the wilderness; yea, we hated camping; wherefore, we did urge our father to pack up the others of our family, which consisted of my mother, Sariah, my younger brothers, Nephi and Sam, our sisters, two cousins, and an unmarried aunt, and depart into the wilderness without us.
6 But behold, Lehi declared that he had been commanded to haul everybody off, including Lemuel and me, for Jerusalem was about to be destroyed; wherefore, he was throwing in the sponge; yea, he did plan to abandon his house, leave his property, even his gold and silver and precious things, and bolt, without even so much as a going away party.
7 And it came to pass that I did plead with my father to hold his horses; yea, I did reason with him, saying that it might make sense to allow me to stay behind, that I might give a detailed report concerning the destruction of our city, maybe even snap a few pictures to show some of our wickedest neighbors perishing by the sword; for behold, I could give unto him an eye-witness account of the inhabitants screaming in terror as they were carted off captive into Babylon and wishing they had heeded the handwriting on the wall, or at least the graffiti my father, Lehi, had slopped around.
8 And it came to pass that my brother Lemuel, who did claim to speak a smattering of Babylonian, did offer to remain with me, saying that together we might use our cunning craftiness to preserve our gold and silver and property from those greedy old Babylonians.
9 But behold, my father said that we were fools, for we would be killed by our own people and not by the ruddy Babylonians, and what good would our gold and silver and apartment rentals be unto us if we were dead?
10 Now behold, my father did make a good point, and after some large rocks were hurled thru our windows and my favorite araba was stripped of its wheels late one night, I did begin to believe the warnings of [5] my father; wherefore, we did start packing.
11 But behold, it did seem wasteful and nearsighted to leave expensive and fancy things that we could easily pack; wherefore, my brother Lemuel and I did conceal much gold and silver and other precious things among our provisions; yea, to make room we did chuck out some of the seeds and tools and supplies that our father commanded that we bring.
12 Yea, we did pull the wool over the eyes of our wasteful father and our brothers, for we did prepare for a time when we should come again unto Jerusalem, knowing that things would cool down once we got Lehi off the roof and out of town, and our sleepy neighbors were not reminded night and day about their abominations; and behold, upon our return we might once again enjoy the gold and silver and gifts from Niemann Marcus that we had so cunningly hidden away.
13 And it came to pass that we did skip out in the dead of night, and our neighbors were glad to see us go, no doubt, tho nobody came out to see us off.
14 Now behold, we did travel south toward the Red Sea, and I was sorry I had been such a klutz in geography, for I was always turned around, and my father did keep to the borders of the trade routes; wherefore, we did stay pretty much in the wilderness, which-let me tell you-was mostly sand and no picnic.
15 And I, Laman, did struggle, and my brother Lemuel also, for our camels were weighed down with about a ton of gold; wherefore, we did grumble unto our father, Lehi, for he did press forward for three days, stopping only for short rests at night, which was a lousy beginning to our vacation; yea, and Lemuel did ask again and again if we were almost there.
16 And it came to pass that we finally came to a valley by the side of a river of water, and no one had the foggiest notion where we were, tho I was sure it was no health resort, for there were no tourists there but us.
17 And my father dwelt in a tent, for once a scoutmaster, always a scoutmaster; but behold, I had left my tent in Jerusalem, having no room among my provisions; wherefore, I, Laman, and my brother Lemuel also, did sleep out in the open under the stars; yea, and I did catch a beastly cold.
18 And it came to pass that my father commanded that we should gather rocks together that he might build an altar and make an offering unto the Lord; wherefore, we did spend all day trying to find a few measly rocks, for the place was just leaking sand; yea, and I, Laman, could see no reason in it, for here we were, stuck in the middle of nowhere, and probably lost, far from our goosedown beds, sleeping on bare ground and eating take-out food?
19 Now behold, we should be thankful for that.
20 And it came to pass that in his spare time my father began to give names unto the landmarks in the wilderness, and he [6] did call the river Laman, after me, saying: Laman, be thou like unto this river, continually running, or something like that, for the words of my father did often go in one ear and out the other.
21 And behold, my father did name the valley in which we dwelt after my brother Lemuel, saying: Be like unto this valley, without moving, which I thought was perfect for Lemuel who generally sat around like a bump on a log.
22 Now behold, we did suspect that our father had been too long upon his camel, for he did command one son to be continually running, like unto a river, and the other to be immovable, like unto a valley.
23 And it came to pass that I, Laman, and also my brother Lemuel, did go again to our family on the sly; yea, we did try to convince them that Lehi was not well, and that his dreams and visions were a little too radical; wherefore, we did suggest that we might all return at once unto Jerusalem to seek professional help, and behold, Lemuel did know of a good psychiatrist with reasonable rates.
24 And it came to pass that our father got wind of our murmuring; yea, he did speak harshly unto me, and also unto my brother Lemuel; wherefore, we did suspect that our youngest brother, Nephi, was the one who had squealed on us, for at the first faint sound of a murmur he would shin off pell-mell to our father; and behold, we did decide that we would have to be more careful about where we did our murmuring.
25 Now behold, we did gripe unto our little brother about being such a tattle-tale, but he did rebuke us, saying that the trouble was with us and with the hardness of our hearts.
26 And I, Laman, did laugh at my brother, for behold, my heart is not one bit harder than my head; yea, and I am not about to believe in things I cannot see, neither in goofy dreams about events down the road, especially a dirt road.
