Moron is sent to spy upon the people of Nephi—The bad news is that they have become prosperous—The worse news is that they have armed themselves to the teeth—Lemuel sends out the first draft notice in the promised land, and the Lamanites raise their own army.
NOW behold, I, Laman, did begin to ponder somewhat upon the fate of Nephi and the others who had wandered off, for no matter how busy a king gets, he finds time to worry; yea, and I did begin to grow uneasy, for I did not have a very trusting nature; wherefore, I did wonder if these nomads might not come slinking back on some dark and stormy night to snitch some of the seeds they had left behind or help themselves to the gold and silver and precious things we had started to pile up.
2 And it came to pass that I did send a spy party into the wilderness, and Moron, my eldest son, did go at the head of this party; but behold, Lemuel did have a saying: Like father, like son; wherefore, he did take Moron aside to remind him that we did use the word "party" figuratively and that he was not to traipse off into the bush just to kick up his heels.
3 And it came to pass that after many days the scouting [63] party did return, and they were tired and dirty and hungry and out of sorts, and Moron did say that it was the furthest thing from a real party that he could remember, for they had been lost twice, and they had run out of food, and everywhere the water was bad; wherefore, most of them did come down with Montezuma's revenge; yea, and the wilderness was just swarming with insects, and Moron was stung right between the eyes by a thing called a deseret; and behold, his face did swell up so much that his eyes went shut; wherefore, he had to be led most of the way home.
4 And behold, this was just the good news, for the spies did tell us that they had found the people of Nephi, who had taken upon themselves the name of Nephites, which Lemuel thought was a possible copyright infringement; yea, and what's more, they had become very prosperous, for they had planted their seeds instead of keeping them in barrels as we had done, and they did reap abundant crops, and they did have many flocks and herds and animals of every kind; yea, they did even have a handy new animal like unto a camel, save it was smaller and friendlier and did not spit.
5 And behold, the people of Nephi did erect many buildings of wood and stone and iron and copper and other metals that Sam must have invented; yea, and this was not all, for they had built a beautiful temple, and it was ornamented with gold and silver and you guessed it; wherefore, it did make our little encampment look like a dump.
6 Now behold, there was still more bad news, for these same Nephites were armed; yea, they did all wear swords like unto the sword of that war-monger Laban, for Moron did borrow one that had been left under a tree by a careless Nephite; wherefore, he did bring it back for all to see.
7 Yea, I did now find another reason to dislike that expired tub-o'-lard Laban, and I did figure out why my brother, Nephi, did swipe that sword when he left; yea, he did wish to go into the sword-building business and needed a good prototype; wherefore, I did cuss Lemuel for not thinking of this idea first and letting Nephi get the drop on us.
8 Now behold, this was all grim news unto me, for a king does not like to hear that the kingdom next door is cavorting in the lap of luxury; yea, I had spread the rumor that Nephi and his gang were off wading somewhere knee-deep in misery, while we were camped on easy street; but behold, now they would learn that the Nephites had somehow struck oil, and I did worry that they might think we were living at low water and were nothing but poor, swarthy trash, and all because of their king who wouldn't take another job since he was too busy working fulltime inventing taxes; yea, I did smell a mutiny.
9 Now, it was a funny thing, but one day we were all as happy as clams, as satisfied and content and comfortable as [64] a Bedouin in a bed, and the next day, just as soon as we did learn that somebody else was living flush, we did get grumpy and dissatisfied and just full of misery; yea, and what stuck in my craw was the news that the Nephites were armed to the teeth, for it did show a deep lack of trust in their neighbors and did reflect badly upon me and my people.
10 Wherefore, I did call together my vice king and my cabinet and my counselors and my administrators and especially my spin doctors, that we might figure out a way to take matters in hand and put our best foot forward.
11 And behold, Lemuel, bless his hardened heart, did truly understand the political process; wherefore, he did propose that we organize our own army, that we might defend ourselves and also keep the people occupied; yea, if we had an army we would need a whole mess of soldiers, With captains and lootenants and generals, and gobs of people helping the war effort behind the lines, which would stimulate the economy something fierce; yea, and we could even crank out some nice new war taxes and slap heavy duties on all of those war-time products that might be in short supply; wherefore, we would keep the home front humming along and let the army go off to do what an army does best, namely plundering.
12 And it came to pass that we did set about to build up our arsenal, for we did turn our plowshares into swords, which was one way to get out of farming; yea, we did fashion scimitars and bows and arrows and clubs and knives and forks, for we did seek to create a great army that was just bristling With weapons like unto the Nephites.
13 But behold, to my surprise, no one did Wish to join our army; yea, we were up to our ears in firepower, but we did have only three applicants, and they were all for the job of general; wherefore, Lemuel did suggest that we compel the people to serve in the army, like unto the Babylonians and Philistines and all the best marauders.
14 And it came to pass that Lemuel did write a letter that we did mail out to all of those fit to be in our army, and Lemuel did say that its purpose was to impress people; and behold, I did think it was a beautiful letter, and I did know that everyone else would be exceedingly impressed, for it did begin warm and friendly like, saying: Behold, Uncle Laman Wants You!
15 But behold, to our great surprise, nobody rushed forward to join; yea, it was harder than we did imagine to force people to sign up; wherefore, I did cogitate for days trying to think of ways to make people catch the old espree da coor; and behold, I did hit upon the perfect scheme, for I did propose that anybody who did sign up would not have to milk cows or thin beets; yea, and I did offer to give them a bonus of twenty-five percent of the plunder; but behold, Lemuel said I was giving away the store; wherefore, he did reduce the [65] amount to a ten percent gratuity.
16 Now behold, it did work like a charm, and at last we did raise an army of thirty-seven soldiers, mostly young boys, and they did sign on the dotted line, and we did issue each of them a tin dog-tag, a sword, and a packet of MREs.
