The Lost Plates of Laman
An Account Written by the Hand of Laman
upon Plates of Tin Made by His Own Self—with a Little
Help from his Brother Lemuel

by
Bob Lewis

Signature Books; Salt Lake City, Utah
© 1997 by Signatue Books.

Contents

CHAPTER 22

The Lamanites become a pain in the neck unto the Nephites—Missionaries come among the Lamanites—Two of the sons of Laman convert—Laman laments the loss of his sons and recounts the sorrow of a wicked father whose sons turn against him in righteousness—The tin plates are full—Laman turns them over to Moron, who heads north to California.

AND it came to pass that we did send our army against the people of Nephi with Moron as our general, that we might carry off some of their excess flocks and herds and snake away some of the surplus of their crops, for their seeds must have been better than ours; yea, our seeds, when we got around to planting them, did produce crops that were just so-so; but behold, Lemuel did contend that we did not plant our seeds when the moon was right, but I think that our seeds got moldy on our long cruise, or maybe we just got gypped with an inferior brand.

2 Now behold, our army did enjoy looting and took delight in plundering; yea, it was much easier to rustle the flocks and herds of the Nephites than to raise our own; and behold, it was also more fun, especially after we learned to ride those wild horses without getting bucked off.

3 Now the Nephites did begin to speak of us as a loathsome, wicked, and stiff-necked people, and did call us bloodthirsty and idolatrous; wherefore, I did take great offense at such sloppy generalities, for I did not think that we were loathsome.

4 And it came to pass that more and more of the Lamanites did join the army and leave the farm, for we were doing a brisk business; yea, we did become a great pain in the neck unto the Nephites, which did warm my heart, for there is no greater satisfaction than to be an instrument in the re-distribution of the wealth of somebody else.

5 Now behold, some of our women did wish to go out and join in the looting, for the army did seem to be having a grand old time of it while the women stayed home and did the chores; but behold, I did steadfastly refuse to allow women in the military; yea, Lemuel did counsel that women would soon lose their soft and cuddly natures and would become fierce and bloodthirsty; wherefore, I did calm the waters by telling the women that we could not afford to build separate barracks; yea, and Lemuel did promise to drag Nephi's boat out of mothballs and to take them all on a little vacation to the Caribbean once we finished with the marauding and the war slacked off.

6 And it came to pass that from time to time we did have [67] missionaries from the Nephites, and they did come among us and did preach unto us and did pray for us and did hold cottage meetings; yea, they did try to turn the Lamanites from the wicked traditions of their fathers, which I did think was a slap in the face unto Lemuel and me, neither could I think of one single tradition that I, or Lemuel either, had invented; therefore, I did clap them into one of my spare prisons.

7 But behold, they were such nice boys, clean-cut and polite, that I did let them off with just a few months in the

slammer after I did admonish them to go easy on the wicked traditions bit; yea, for they began to sound too much like unto my father, Lehi, when he bit off more than he could chew back in Jerusalem; and I did warn them that if they were not careful, the Lord might decide to adopt them as his chosen people; and behold, it was a sure bet that if he glommed onto them, in no time flat they would be hitting the road to some gold-forsaken wilderness for a couple of decades and then end up in a promised land that didn't even have bicycles.

8 And it came to pass that there was great sadness in our family, for two of my own sons, Modicum and Gazebo, did convert and follow after the teachings of the missionaries; wherefore, I did grieve much for the apostasy of my sons, for there is no pain like unto that of a wicked father whose sons turn against him in righteousness; yea, I did know how old Faro felt when Moses, who was like a son unto him and had been spoiled by him, did up and leave home, taking all of his union bricklayers with him, which set the pyramids back considerable.

9 And behold, I did warn my other children against the dangers of cults, and I did plead with them to be wary of the teachings of the elders; for behold, they could surely end up spending their entire days in doing good and being kind; wherefore, they would soon degenerate into a white and delightsome people and forget their rich idolatrous heritage and be no more a stiff-necked and bloodthirsty people; yea, they would probably even take up genealogy maybe, and start reading the brass plates and ramble on about Isaiah.

10 Now behold, my other children did remain true and faithful unto the principles we had taught them; wherefore, they did stay strong and proud, relying upon the arm of flesh; yea, they were not weak like unto those wimpy Nephites, who did depend upon the Lord for help; for the Lamanites did not ask the Lord for one plug nickel, neither of anyone else, for no sooner does the Lord or anybody else do you a favor than they want to be paid back, with interest.

11 And Lemuel did support me in this, for he did tell our people that they should not go looking around for a free lunch or for handouts from the government either; yea, they should not ask what their country could do for them, but what they could do for their country, which sounded real good and kept the [68] enlistments up and the taxes flowing.

12 Now behold, I did have many other wise teachings, for I had become a popular king among my people, although Lemuel did remind me that there were no other kings for comparison, since Zedekiah was about a million miles away and most of the children had never heard of him anyway, but then Lemuel was always a little ticked that he was only the vice king.

13 But behold, my favorite teachings and wise sayings and ruminations upon life I have recorded in my secret diary; and behold, I did enlighten my people, with Lemuel chipping in now and then with some of his kooky ideas; wherefore, my subjects did honor me with a large statue to their king, but it did seem to me that the head was exceedingly large and the face was not a good likeness, for the lips were too big and the eyes squinty.

14 Now behold, Morona did tell me to record upon these plates all of our children, for they are nearly full (the plates, not my children); and behold, the names of my seed are these, beginning with my sons: Moron, Egad, Modicum, Scrimshaw, Gazebo, Kokapelli, little Sharem, and the baby Juan Valdez; and my daughters are Babylonia, Gonorrah, Reebok, Santuccia, and Agonia, plus, of course, the twins, Dan and Beersheba.

15 And it came to pass that I began to be old, and it did seem to happen overnight; yea, I did wake up one morning feeling tired and achy, and when I did glance into the mirror, behold, there was an old man looking back at me; wherefore, I did immediately call my son, Moron, unto me, that I might give him charge concerning the plates of tin whereupon I have inscribed my account.

16 And behold, I did confer upon him the record of our people, and I did command him that he should keep the record, that it might someday come forth unto our seed, and I did remind him again that this was merely a figurative way of speaking about children that I had learned from my father, that our posterior may some day know my side of the story; yea, and that they may know of my trials and afflictions and tribulations and adversities and in general the lousy time I had during our wanderings in the wilderness, led by a visionary father and a nearly perfect brother, and I do not mean Lemuel!

17 And it came to pass that Moron did give me the shock of my life; yea, he did inform me that he had decided to take an early retirement from the army, with full pension, of course, before he ended up on the wrong end of a sword held by some distraught Nephite who had lost his cows; wherefore, he had decided to visit the land northward beyond the narrow neck of land; and behold, he planned to take his family and a few friends with him; yea, they might even settle in California or Oregon if it wasn't too crowded.

18 But behold, he did consent to take my roof, that is the tin [69] plates, with him, and did agree to guard the record with his life, tho he hoped it would not come to that.

19 Now I, Laman, did worry about this trip, for Moron was lousy with directions, having inherited a healthy dose of those wandering chromosomes that afflicted his uncle Nephi and his grandfather Lehi; wherefore, I did fear that he might miss the beautiful beaches and fertile valleys along the coast, and that he would meander off and end up in some place with gobs of desert and endless sagebrush and salty water, like Utah.

20 But behold, I, Laman, am growing old and tired, and I do not wish to worry about these infelual plates any more, and if I had known how much trouble it would be to inscribe our story upon them, I would have let Nephi have the field to himself.

21 And behold, the plates are full, and I do write on the last few inches of tin before turning them over to Moron, and whether they will ever survive the trip north, I know not; yea, I do know that once we remove the tin plates from our roof that Morona will be yelling at me to put up another one before the rainy season.

22 Now behold, if you wish to learn more about our wanderings and about our life in the promised land, you may look for my secret diary, which I did give unto my musical son, Kokapelli, or you might consult The Little Book of Lemuel, but his account should be taken with a grain of salt, for he did have some of the nuttiest ideas, being a middle child; and behold, he was always way too metaphorical for my taste; yea, I did quite often suspect that with Lemuel, too much sand had blown over the dune.

23 And behold, one last word of advice: Do not pay any attention to dreams that start out with marching orders like Hit the Road, Jack, or Get Out of Town; for behold, you could just wind up a long way from nowhere in a whole heap of trouble. THEE END