Laman and his brothers are sent on a wild goose chase to fetch the brass plates of Laban—They find Jerusalem still standing and nary a Babylonian in sight—Laman discovers something about genealogy and finds out that his Uncle Laban is a creep.
AND it came to pass that my father spake unto us, saying: Behold, I have dreamed a dream. And I, Laman, and my brother Lemuel did fear the worst. Why could not our father have dreams like everybody else; yea, dreams of being chased or of falling or of not being prepared for a final exam; but behold, the dreams of our father were always commands from the Lord, which always spelled trouble!
2 But lo and behold, to our surprise, this dream commanded us to return unto Jerusalem; wherefore, I, Laman, and my brother Lemuel also, did jump for joy; for behold, we were already sick of life in the wilderness, and our gold and silver and precious things we had hidden away were not worth a tinker's damn in the [7] valley of Lemuel beside the river of Laman; yea, we longed for the good old flesh pots of Egypt, so to speak.
3 Now behold, our joy was short and sweet, for there was more to our father's dream; yea, there always was, as Lemuel said, and the last part was always the kicker; for behold, we were commanded to go unto the house of Laban, our uncle, and to seek the genealogy of our forefathers, which was engraven upon plates of brass; yea, we were instructed to fetch those brass plates and lug them all the way back to the wretched valley of Lemuel; wherefore, my back ached and my feet hurt just thinking about it.
4 Now I, Laman, did not care scat for genealogy of any kind; wherefore, I did speak unto my father, saying that brass plates were about the last thing we needed in the wilderness, for we did not even bring our best china; yea, and if Lehi wished to study the genealogy of our forefathers, it could be done easier in the comfort of our home in Jerusalem, or better still, with our gold and silver and precious things we could hire somebody else to do our genealogy for us.
5 But behold, our father Lehi was a visionary man, and he did stick to his guns when it came to the commandments of the Lord.
6 And it came to pass that I, Laman, did murmur unto my father again, saying: I know that the Lord would give no commandment unto the children of men that was so unreasonable; yea, if the Lord was in such a rush for us to have the brass plates, could not the Lord command Laban to deliver them unto us, or have them sent express mail?
7 But behold, my father would not listen to reason; yea, he was like unto a broken record, telling us over and over again what to do until we did it; Wherefore, he did insist that we should tramp clear back to Jerusalem as the Lord had commanded and fetch the heavy old brass plates and haul them all the way down here to the boondocks.
8 And it came to pass that we did set out for Jerusalem, but not before I, Laman, and also my brother Lemuel, did secretly gather together the gold and silver and valuables that we had hidden away, that we might enjoy some jolly times back in Jerusalem, for we did hope to forget the miseries of camping out; yea, as Lemuel said, the word "wilderness" did always have a rather forlorn and gloomy connotation.
9 Now, when we came again unto Jerusalem, behold, it was still standing and its people had not been shuffled away into Babylon; wherefore, I began to guffaw and to make sarcastic remarks about the foolish dreams and predictions of our father.
10 And our brother Nephi did rebuke me, for he did fully believe the words of our father that Jerusalem would yet fall and its people would yet be carried away into bondage; but behold, he could not give us a very precise date; yea, how convenient to always predict things [8] way off in the future, which I pointed out is the main drawback with most prophecies.
11 But behold, Sam did pipe up, saying that it is the very nature of prophecies to deal with the future, for it would be stupid to prophesy about the past. Now behold, I was much taken back by the words of Sam, for he had never spouted off before this; yea, Lemuel and I had always thought that he was more or less verbally challenged.
12 Then lo and behold, Nephi did drop another bombshell, saying that the Lord had made known the truth of these things unto him.
13 Now I, Laman, did laugh at Nephi for his foolishness, and Lemuel did nearly bust a gut; yea, I did ask Nephi why the Lord did not make these things known unto me and unto Lemuel also, or unto our old neighbors in Jerusalem who, as Lemuel did remark, might have wanted to take out a nice, fat insurance policy before the Babylonians turned up.
14 Wherefore, Nephi did remind us that the Lord had tried to make these things known unto the people of Jerusalem through his prophets, but that no one would listen; yea, and he would make the truthfulness of these things known unto me, and unto Lemuel also, if we would but ask.
15 Now behold, I spake unto Nephi, saying: Why in the world should I ask to know of something that I believe to be so goofy; yea, why would the Lord nominate a bunch of people to be his chosen folks and have them poke around all over Mt. Cyanide and then, after I don't know how long, escort them into a promised land and command them to build the great city of Jerusalem, then turn around and let a pack of heathens make mince meat out of them or truck them off into captivity?
16 Now, you tell me, does that make sense?
17 But behold, Nephi and Sam did steadfastly refuse to listen to reason; wherefore, they did insist that we perform the labor that our father had commanded, namely, to obtain the brass plates at the house of Laban; yea, I could not convince them otherwise, despite my constant murmuring, which I did gradually perfect.
18 And it came to pass that I, Laman, could see no escape from this lousy mission; wherefore, I did tell my brothers that we should cast lots to see which of us should go in unto the house of Laban; yea, and we did cast lots, and—wouldn't you know it—with my crummy luck the lot fell upon me; wherefore, I did suggest to my brothers that we should draw again, two out of three.
19 But behold, they were not in a gaming mood; wherefore, I had to go in unto the house of Laban, and behold, when I arrived, I spake unto him as he sat at meat; yea, he bade me sit far across the room from him, for he could tell that I had been some time in the wilderness and he did not wish to lose his appetite. And behold, as we spake one unto another, he did inquire of my father, which gave me the opening I wanted.
[9] 20 Now behold, I did explain that my father was traveling in the wilderness upon the advice of his physician, and that during his vacation he had become exceedingly fond of genealogy, and that now he had need of the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass, and that if Laban could spare them for a short time, we would be grateful; yea, and I myself would trot out the brass polish and shine them up before I brought them back, that they might be as good as new.
21 And it came to pass that Laban became angry, for his dinner must have gone cold, neither did he wish to part with those dusty old records. Now behold, I, Laman, was surprised to see how genealogy arouses men's passions; yea, Laban began to shout, saying that I was a thief, and he did remind me that I had once borrowed a saw which I had neglected to return.
22 Now behold, Laban became so riled that he hurled a fork at me; wherefore, I did flee out of his presence and returned unto my brothers, telling them that Laban had nearly killed me, for I did stretch the truth somewhat, saying that the fork had been a knife, and an ugly big one. Now I, Laman, began to hope in my heart that at least one inhabitant of Jerusalem would be carried away captive into Babylon, namely that scoundrel Laban.
23 And I began to be exceedingly sorrowful, for our return unto Jerusalem was not all that I had expected; yea, I did realize that you can't go home again, and I did think that we should return unto our father in the wilderness; for I, Laman, did wish to tell our father what a schmuck his cousin, Laban, was, when behold, Nephi spake unto us, saying that we should not go again into the wilderness until we had accomplished the thing which the Lord had commanded.
24 But behold, I, Laman, did remind Nephi that we were not all unanimous in our belief that this wild goose chase was cooked up by the Lord; wherefore, I did invite him to go in unto Laban and panhandle for the brass plates; yea, and Lemuel did urge Nephi to be firm and tell Laban to just hand over the plates and no one would get hurt.
25 But Nephi did not wish to go unto Laban, for my story must have brought him to his senses; wherefore, he did propose that we should go down unto the land of our father's inheritance, which was in the suburbs, and obtain the gold and silver and whatnot that we had left behind and lug it back here and give it unto Laban in exchange for the plates of brass.
26 Now I, Laman, began to see that truly genealogy drives people insane; wherefore, I spake sharply unto Nephi, saying that the plates were merely brass, for heaven's sake, and that we were looney to give up good gold and good silver and nice precious things for some plain old brass plates, neither did he know that a healthy portion of the family's loot was already hidden away inside our luggage.
[10] 27 But behold, Nephi did insist that it was wisdom in God that we should preserve unto our children the language of our fathers written upon these records; but behold, I, Laman, did remind Nephi that the language of our fathers was old-fashioned and fuddy-duddy, not to mention hard to understand; wherefore, it were better not to inflict this old-maidy language upon our children, and I did also remind him that, at this point, we did not have any children.
28 But behold, Nephi did argue that with these records we could also preserve the words which had been spoken by the mouth of all the holy prophets since the world began; but Lemuel did view this as a liability since all those words would certainly weigh a couple of tons, and we were already short on camels.
29 And after this manner did we contend one with another until I, Laman, and my brother Lemuel also, did throw in the towel, and we did agree to go down to the house of our father; yea, we would do whatever Nephi bade us if only he would stop preaching; wherefore, we did go, knowing deep down that we would have to cough up the gold and silver and so forth that we had so carefully squirreled away.
