Nephi goes to the house of Laban in Jerusalem—Laman and Lemuel slip into the city for some merry making—Nephi returns wearing the armor of Laban and scares his brothers half to death—They learn that Laban has lost his head, and not metaphorically—Zoram joins the party, so Laman makes him carry the brass plates.
AND it came to pass that we did return again unto Jerusalem, and I, Laman, would not go in unto the house of Laban, for I thought I was coming down with the flu; wherefore, Nephi bade us remain without the walls of the city that we might hide ourselves.
2 And Nephi crept into Jerusalem alone, for he was a foolhardy and impetuous kid who was determined to get himself killed, and perhaps his brothers also.
3 Now behold, I, Laman, began to feel a bit better, tho I did grow weary of waiting, and my brother Lemuel also; wherefore, we did agree to sneak into the city for a little diversion; but behold, Sam, who was not exactly the life of the party, would not go with us, saying that he would wait for Nephi to return.
4 And it came to pass that as we crept into the city, behold, we stumbled upon a small inn, and within there was much laughter and merry making; wherefore, I, Laman, and also my brother Lemuel, did join the revelers and did help paint the town red, for we had enjoyed ourselves very little in the wilderness, and even less hiding in that miserable cave.
5 And as we drank and caroused and had a randy old time, spending what little gold and silver and heirlooms Laban had not stolen from us, behold, one of the elders recognized us and said that our Uncle Laban [14] had just departed, for he had also been out whooping it up for much of the night, thanks, no doubt, to the gold and silver and trinkets he had pinched from us.
6 Now, fearing that some of the servants of Laban might recognize us also, we did depart in haste, but not before buying everybody a drink and putting the entire bill upon the tab of Laban, curse his hide.
7 And when we returned without the walls of the city, behold, Sam was waiting for us alone, for Nephi had not yet come back; yea, I did suspect that he might never come back, for if that cranky Laban was stormy when he was sober, he was positively typhoonish when he was in his cups.
8 And it came to pass that as we told Sam of our narrow escape, for Lemuel did throw in a few colorful embellishments, behold, we beheld Laban his own self approaching us with his armor gird about his loins, and he was also bearing his sword; wherefore, we were in trouble, for we didn't even have a lousy flipper; yea, and one of Laban's servants was limping along after him.
9 Now we did suppose that Laban had slain Nephi and did seek to throttle us as well; wherefore, we did take to our heels.
10 But behold, a voice did call unto us, and it was the voice of Nephi; wherefore, we did cease to flee. Now I, Laman, did smell a trap; therefore, as a precaution, I did send Sam and also Lemuel to speak unto Laban or Nephi or whoever it was with the armor gird about his loins.
11 But now the servant of Laban began to turn tail and run, for behold, it was Nephi, our brother, in disguise, with the armor of Laban gird about his loins but looking a little baggy; wherefore, Nephi did seize the servant by the scruff of the neck and did hold him, that he should not flee.
12 And I, Laman, did rejoice that Nephi had somehow gotten hold of the armor and the sword of Laban, for I did immediately notice that the armor was of exceedingly fine workmanship, and the hilt of the sword was of pure gold; yea, it was a good beginning to replace at least some of the precious stuff swiped from us by that blimp Laban.
13 And I, Laman, and my brother Lemuel also, did inquire of Nephi, asking if he had salvaged any of our gold and silver or precious do-dads from that sleaze-bag Laban.
14 And it came to pass that Nephi did relate unto us the events of the night within the city; wherefore, he did explain that as he crept forth unto the house of Uncle Laban, behold, he found a man who was as drunk as a fiddler, and behold, as luck would have it, there lay dear old Laban.
15 Now Nephi did believe that the Lord had delivered our uncle into his hands; wherefore, he did cut off the head of Laban with his own sword; yea, and Lemuel did make a sick joke about us not being the only ones who did paint the town red.
16 And I, Laman, did thank the Lord that he did answer my [15] curses; wherefore, I did marvel at the wisdom of the Lord, for it did seem much cleaner and more efficient to slay that lout Laban right here in his backyard rather than to haul him all the way down to the Red Sea and drown him like unto the armies of old King Faro.
17 Now behold, after Nephi had cut off the head of Laban, he took off his armor and his garments and put them upon his own body and went forth into the house of Laban.
18 And it came to pass that as he entered the house, he went forth towards the treasury; and behold, he saw one of the servants dangling a mess of keys; wherefore, Nephi spake in the voice of Laban and did snooker the servant into opening the treasury, saying that he had need of the plates of brass, for his brethren were without the walls of the city and could not wait until morning to work on their genealogy.
19 Now behold, this servant, whose name was Zoram, was somewhat thick between the ears; yea, he did think that Nephi was his master, even though the armor was very saggy and the impression Nephi gave of Laban would not have fooled a half-witted sheep; wherefore, Zoram did go with Nephi and did open the treasury, for he did suppose that the brethren who wanted the brass plates were those that his master had been out with, but even a nitwit would have known that these brethren, after a night on the town, were in no condition to work on their genealogy or anything else.
20 And behold, Nephi went straight for the plates of brass, neither did he snitch any of our gold and silver and durable goods as I would have done, but he did snatch the plates and did make a bee-line for the front door and scudded off for the gates of the city, rattling along in the armor that was about two sizes too big, with Zoram shuffling along behind him.
21 Now behold, when Nephi came near unto where we were hiding and did call unto us as we fled before him, behold, Zoram began to tremble in fear, for it did finally dawn on him that this was not his master, for Nephi was a tenor; yea, and Zoram knew also that we were not the brethren waiting without the walls of the city to do our genealogy work, unless it were a little late-night work for the dead.
22 And it came to pass that Nephi spake unto him, even with an oath, saying that his life would be spared and we would let him off the hook if he would go down into the wilderness with us, and behold, Zoram did not think long about it, for he had been planning to take a little vacation time; wherefore, he did also make an oath, saying that he would go with us; yea, the oaths were just flying; wherefore, I did remove my foot from his neck, that he did stand again upon his feet.
23 Now I, Laman, spake unto my brothers, saying that we were sitting in the catbird seat, for we did have the keys to the treasury of the late Laban; wherefore, we should slip back and fetch the things that had [16] been nicked from us by the dearly departed; yea, and we should perhaps remove a few other items, like maybe a bunch of gold swords, as interest.
24 And Lemuel also did agree, saying that surely kind old Uncle Laban would want us to help ourselves to his worldly wealth since he had little need for it, having been so recently dispatched by Nephi to that great treasury in the sky; yea, why not reduce the inheritance taxes?
25 But Nephi did fear that the body of Laban would be found, and that his servants would be searching for us; yea, and if they found us, they would kill us; wherefore, he was desirous that we should high-tail it unto the tent of our father.
26 Now behold, I did wonder why in tarnation Nephi did not properly dispose of the remains, for I did hate to leave all that loot behind, especially since most of it had been mooched from us, but I did also remember clearly those surly thugs of Laban, and I did not wish to get chased again at the point of so many swords; wherefore, we did beat a hasty retreat into the wilderness, but I did insist that Zoram carry the brass plates.
