Laman explains the brass plates and what a nuisance they have become—He describes the purpose of his own record.
AND now I, Laman, would say somewhat concerning the brass plates of Laban, for they were a pain in the you-know-what unto us; yea, and as it turned out, an even greater headache unto Laban.
2 Now behold, the dream of my father had been exceedingly short on details, which is why we nearly lost our skins in obtaining the plates.
3 And I, Laman, believe that it was by shear luck that we were able to snake them away from the treasury of Laban, for behold, we had twice gone in unto that bloated bulk with a kosher offer, that we might obtain the plates from him in a nice, friendly manner, and twice he did bamboozle us.
4 Yea, he even sicked his servants upon us; wherefore, we were forced to hide ourselves in that smelly and cramped cave; but behold, as Lemuel did say, the third time was a charm; yea, it was only by chance that Nephi stumbled upon Laban as drunk as a skunk.
5 Now behold, we had shagged the plates, but we had also lost our gold and silver and all of our whatchamacallits, with only one crummy gold sword and some baggy armor to show for it.
6 But my father, Lehi, was as happy as a clam; yea, he declared unto us that these plates of brass should go forth unto all nations, kindreds, and the tongues of people.
7 And I, Laman, did tremble to think that we must forever carry them, like unto an alba[18]tross around our necks; yea, and I did have nightmares about hauling them about the desert unto diverse and unsuspecting nomads; wherefore, I did imagine how thrilled they would be to see our book of genealogy; yea, it would be like showing pictures of the grandchildren unto total strangers.
8 And I spake unto my brother, Lemuel, asking him what our father meant, that the plates of brass should go forth unto the tongues of people, and he did explain that with some people genealogy must be shoved down their throats.
9 Now I, Laman could believe that; wherefore, I say no more about the plates of brass, for I am sick of them, neither do I include the genealogy of my fathers in mine own record, for if ever I have any children, which I doubt, I will spare them this irksome misery; yea, I do earnestly hope that they will grow up at a time when genealogy is kaput, or at least when it is more user-friendly, like family history.
10 Now behold, I do fill my record with our constant troubles and our endless sorrows and our knee-deep afflictions; in short, the things which are pleasing unto the world, for there is nothing more satisfying unto man than to hear of the misfortunes of somebody else; wherefore, the things that I write are bound to give exceeding great joy and comfort unto the children of men.
11 But behold, my inner-most thoughts and ruminations I do keep for my secret diary, which I have recorded upon other plates; yea, it did seem that everyone did get into the platemaking line, but then there isn't a whole lot to do in the wilderness, and, of course, everybody considers himself an author; wherefore, if you wish to know about our type of government, our monetary system, our foreign policy, and such deep matters, I hope you can pick up a second-hand copy of the Medium-sized Plates of Laman.
